6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Randomize
