K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This is the high leading the old right now
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
Randomize
