I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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