I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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