She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
