I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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