we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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