Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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