please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Randomize
