She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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