My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Randomize
