Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
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