I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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