Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Did I show you my penis last night?
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
