Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
