the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
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