i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
