My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
COCAINE IS GR8
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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