Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
windsor, ontario is like a poor man's amsterdam
no, it is just poor
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
