i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Too much gin, very little bucket
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Randomize
