This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
