so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
