PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
