i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
My ATM looks so different sober.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How does it feel to date your dad?
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
