sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
