I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
