whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize
