Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
Randomize
