Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
