so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Semen is not good for contacts.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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