He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
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