i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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