I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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