Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
