I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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