I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
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dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
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I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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