I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
