i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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