i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
