I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
You ruined the universe
Randomize
