I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
