I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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