She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
