dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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