i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Randomize
