I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
