i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
It's the 30 sec rule.... the worst that could happen is I could die
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Randomize
