Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
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