He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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