Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Shitshow foam night was such a success
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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