im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
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