College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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