You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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