Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize
