Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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