Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
Randomize
